Discussion forum for Jason Heyward's anti-fans
Does he suck?
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I want Jason to retire from baseball and become a grape soda salesmen. His pitch would be to drink a bottle of his soda, then belch into the prospects asshole. This would ensure a 100 percent close rate!
Let's see now Jason, you averaged 8 ribis per month last year. You now have 16 ribis thru April 24. This means you can go back to your normal POPUP/STRIKEOUT/DRIBBLER/BLOOPERS for the rest of April and ALL OF MAY, and STILL match your stellar RBI average of last year for the first two months!!! So, Jason, just relax, give motovational speeches to teammates, and COAST for the next 5 weeks. That should get you back to living up to the "high" expectations we all have for you here on this forum!
Alright Jason, now you've gone and done it. You are sullying your reputation as the greatest bloop/dribbler singles hitter in the game. Keep it up and Theo will not offer you that extra 75 mil/3 year extension. And the slobbering sports media and drunk Cub fans will lose all the respect they had for you. Give up these useless/worthless home runs, and go back to being the blooping/dribbling Jason we all love to make fun of OR ELSE!!!
Ok Jason, that's more like it. Enough of those worthless home runs. Back to being Jason with those $130,000 broken bat bloop singles. That's what you are being paid $23,000,000 a year to do. You WILL be benched if very many more of those useless extra base hits start showing up! Strike outs, pop ups, second/first base dribblers, and bloop singles are your specialty. Nothing else will be tolerated!!! Understand? You don't want to lose your respect and admiration that all Cub fans have for you. would you?
Jason is renowned for his motivational farts and belches, particularly after he farted in the faces of the Cubs players to motivate them to victory during game 7 of the 2016 World Series. However, as every baseball fan is well aware, he was a horrible baseball player in 2016 and during Spring Training this year. Heyward apparently found a solution after some encouragement from team leader Anthony Rizzo - Heyward has been sniffing his own farts to motivate himself!!! Heyward has been farting onto his hand and then sniffing it before every at-bat for the past week and as a result he got two home-runs!!!
These home runs have got to stop!! Jason MUST get back to his great singles or nothing hitting if he is going to make baseballs Hall of Fame as the all time best singles hitter. He simply can't afford to waste his time with these useless, miserable home runs that will never get him (or the Cubs) anywhere!
Jason has really drummed up a lot of business at his Lakeview KFC! The 200th customer each week during the spring wins a great prize - Jason will eat a chicken drumstick out of the winner's ass crack, regardless of who sweaty or smelly the patron's ass crack is!