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It goes back a ways because while I really really like spicy food, I've found that stomach-wise I can't really handle hot peppers anymore. I'm very regular about my "two-a-days". I've got my "10 minutes after first cup of coffee shit" and my "things have just shaken loose during the day shit".
But Thai Food, and it's ilk, will actually wake me up in the middle of the night to shit. And, I'm talking about get-a-book, brace-for-the-pain and take-a-shower-afterwards kind of shits.
Anyway, two nights ago, my wife got Kung Pao chicken at a chinese place, while I wisely got a fried rice dish. She left town for a couple days yesterday on business and with no one to cook for or with, I had her leftover Kung Pao for dinner last night. On top of that, I had a little snack before bed.
Kung Pao's not Thai, so it didn't wake me up in the middle of the night, but what it did do was combine with my "10 minutes after first cup of coffee shit" this morning to give me a splashing ring-of-fire and lower GI soreness.
A real mess. The kind where you wish you had a bucket of cold milk next to the can just to dip your anus in. Fortunately, it was nice and early at work so no one came in while I was in there cleaning house.
It was also bagel day at the office, and silly me decides to go for the jalapeno bagel. So mid-morning comes around and the jalapeno starts to irritate the lower reaches of the intestines, and it's back to the bathroom. About this time, I'm pretty sore and I've felt bad all day. And I've actually considered telling the boss I might go home (which I NEVER do).
I feel better by lunch and I'm getting a sub from a local deli. Italian Cold Cut. No sweat, right. Well, I get to eating it and I realize it has those "hots" all over it. Exhibiting the same amount of self-control I've shown throughout this story, I naturally plow right through the hots.
I'm back from the deli and without even returning to my office, right into the shitter. Very glad no one is in there. Well, I get to splashing and its all very soft and now has bits of the stinky cheese, the kung pao, the jalapeno bagel, and the hots from lunch if they've made it through yet (and I'm thinking they have because there was a ton of oil on that sub).
It's rather painful and all very very smelly.
Now, after something like that, I sometime like to sit there and just ponder what I've done. I make sure the burning sensation is gone, make sure it's all very clean, including external porceline surfaces. However, right as clean-up begins someone comes in to use the stall next to me. What I would like to do is sit there, wait for him to finish, and then do my own cleaning. Figuring it will creep him out if I sit there quietly, I start cleaning. . .and cleaning. . .and cleaning some more. Given the smell and the amout of TP I'm rippng through, I don't know WHAT he must have been thinking.
Besides wearing distinctive shoes, I have a big belt buckle that is drooping on the ground so anyone from the office knows it's me.
Now I was sitting there thinking, "I gotta tell the boss I'm going home." If it wasn't Friday -- which makes it look suspicious -- I would have done it.
I get back to the office, and a feeling starts rising in me again. Gotta go right now.
This one is somewhat minor, but it feels like the end of the real nasty nasties.
I figure the hots I had for lunch still aren't all the way through, but the worst of it is over. I actually feel kind of "light" right now and I'm ready to kill time for the rest of the day.
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